Ok, I couldn’t handle it, so here we go. But before we begin, I will reiterate that I still love Alcide…
10. He would have to buy stock in shaving cream. And razors.
9. Think chinese crested chihuahua. Now imagine that haircut on a wolf. Enough said.
8. He’s part dog, dude. If he were a cat, I could totally see it, but my dog steps in poo and totally doesn’t give a crap. And he smells like a dog, even after he’s had a bath.
7. Speaking of, I can’t get close to said German Shepherd (who looks a lot like the wolves on True Blood, incidentally) with a brush, let alone with wax.
6. While on the topic of waxing, can you imagine? I mean, really? Think of the scene with Steve Carrell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and then multiply it by a factor of 10. I’m a big fan of the waxing (hairy girls, unite!), but even that didn’t look like a good time to me. A line must be drawn, my friends.
5. Would a guy who’s actually a dog part of the time really care if he’s hairy or not? I suppose he might if it were really hot outside or something, but don’t you think he’s got bigger fish to fry than if his ass looks awesome hairless? I think he’d be totally following lunar cycles. Or trying to find out what that awesome smell is behind my refrigerator.
4. Winter. It’s not like you can just go get yourself a parka if it gets cold out. Last I checked, while they make life vests and shoes for dogs, I haven’t seen a parka.
3. And before you go all “I have a Yorkie who wears a sweater in winter” on me, seriously. How sissy is that?
2. Shape-shifters everywhere would make fun of you. Hell, I know I would.
1. While in wolf form, there’s no excuse to lick your balls if you’re hairless down there. It just doesn’t fly, man. It’s like cutting holes in the pockets of your sweatpants–everyone knows what you’re actually doing, so there’s no point in doing it.
Hairy guys are hot, werewolves! Remember that and embrace your hairiness! (Ok, maybe I’m just saying that because I wouldn’t want to date a guy who has less body hair than I do–and with that statement alone, I have narrowed down the dating pool significantly. Lucky for me, I don’t have to worry about dating anymore)