Unhappy Day Cards

This post is actually a joint effort between M and I… This is how we bond.

There’s a card for every occasion–happy cards, funny cards, sweet and sentimental cards. But what about those people who loathe certain holidays? What’s out there for them?

M and I have the solution. In honor of those who despise special occasions (and we know you exist), we have come up with several alternatives to the traditional Happy X Day cards. In the comments, leave your idea for what an Unhappy Day card should say. I’ll be picking the winners in a few days. (What do you win? Hell, I don’t know yet. A coffee card, perhaps?)

In honor of Mother’s Day:

To a hateful bitch who hates my wife and refuses to acknowledge my children’s birthdays. Rot in Hell.


To the bitter woman who gave me life. You did the best you could. Too bad your best really sucked.

For Valentine’s Day:

To the spiteful windbag who ruined my life. Sorry for the gonorrhea.


Any chance on the three way with your hot best friend? Because, wow, you’ve let yourself go.

For the anniversary:

I can’t afford to divorce you. I hope you die before me. 


It doesn’t matter what you put in the will. You’re just gonna get cremated and thrown in the trash. Love always, your wife.


Happy Anniversary. If not for internet porn, I would have killed myself years ago.

For Father’s Day:

Please put on some pants. Love, your daughter.


Because you never came to my recitals, I bought you this card with my lap dance earnings. 

OR, for scratch-n-sniff aficionados:

I bought you this card because it reminded me of my childhood. It smells like bourbon and vomit. 

For Graduation:

Wow, you actually made it through all twelve grades? Who knew you could repeat your senior year three times? Congratulations.


I didn’t realize you could count doing the football team as an extracurricular activity. Congratulations on your graduation. 

For Christmas:

Merry Christmas. Who gives a good goddamn what your kids are doing?


Merry Christmas. I thought this card was better than the turd I was planning on sending you.

For the 4th of July:

I’d rather explode in a heinous fireworks mishap than spend another miserable holiday with you.

For Thanksgiving:

Sorry I can’t make it this year, but your cooking makes me vomit. 

For the birthday:

Happy Birthday. I thought you were dead. You’re old. Really, really old.


You know how they say to live fast and die young? Yeah, you should have.


Happy Birthday. How’s your health? P.S. Am I still in the will?

For Bosses’ Day:

You’re an overrated windbag. We laugh at your jokes because you pay us. P.S. No one’s told you, but your fly is down. It’s been down since 2004.

For Administrative Professionals Day:

You’re fired.

Yes, yes, they’re mean. I know. I know.  I feel a little bit bad about it, but it’s not like these are directed at anyone I actually know. It’s funny.

So, let me know what unhappy day cards you’d come up with!


One thought on “Unhappy Day Cards”

  1. Father’s Day:

    Happy Father’s Day to the best dad around! P.S. They’re not yours, and yes, they’ve always resembled Uncle Dave for a reason.

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