Unhappy Day Cards


This post is actually a joint effort between M and I… This is how we bond.

There’s a card for every occasion–happy cards, funny cards, sweet and sentimental cards. But what about those people who loathe certain holidays? What’s out there for them?

M and I have the solution. In honor of those who despise special occasions (and we know you exist), we have come up with several alternatives to the traditional Happy X Day cards. In the comments, leave your idea for what an Unhappy Day card should say. I’ll be picking the winners in a few days. (What do you win? Hell, I don’t know yet. A coffee card, perhaps?)

In honor of Mother’s Day:

To a hateful bitch who hates my wife and refuses to acknowledge my children’s birthdays. Rot in Hell.

OR:

To the bitter woman who gave me life. You did the best you could. Too bad your best really sucked.

For Valentine’s Day:

To the spiteful windbag who ruined my life. Sorry for the gonorrhea.

OR:

Any chance on the three way with your hot best friend? Because, wow, you’ve let yourself go.

For the anniversary:

I can’t afford to divorce you. I hope you die before me. 

OR:

It doesn’t matter what you put in the will. You’re just gonna get cremated and thrown in the trash. Love always, your wife.

OR:

Happy Anniversary. If not for internet porn, I would have killed myself years ago.

For Father’s Day:

Please put on some pants. Love, your daughter.

OR:

Because you never came to my recitals, I bought you this card with my lap dance earnings. 

OR, for scratch-n-sniff aficionados:

I bought you this card because it reminded me of my childhood. It smells like bourbon and vomit. 

For Graduation:

Wow, you actually made it through all twelve grades? Who knew you could repeat your senior year three times? Congratulations.

OR:

I didn’t realize you could count doing the football team as an extracurricular activity. Congratulations on your graduation. 

For Christmas:

Merry Christmas. Who gives a good goddamn what your kids are doing?

OR:

Merry Christmas. I thought this card was better than the turd I was planning on sending you.

For the 4th of July:

I’d rather explode in a heinous fireworks mishap than spend another miserable holiday with you.

For Thanksgiving:

Sorry I can’t make it this year, but your cooking makes me vomit. 

For the birthday:

Happy Birthday. I thought you were dead. You’re old. Really, really old.

OR:

You know how they say to live fast and die young? Yeah, you should have.

OR:

Happy Birthday. How’s your health? P.S. Am I still in the will?

For Bosses’ Day:

You’re an overrated windbag. We laugh at your jokes because you pay us. P.S. No one’s told you, but your fly is down. It’s been down since 2004.

For Administrative Professionals Day:

You’re fired.

Yes, yes, they’re mean. I know. I know.  I feel a little bit bad about it, but it’s not like these are directed at anyone I actually know. It’s funny.

So, let me know what unhappy day cards you’d come up with!

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One thought on “Unhappy Day Cards”

  1. Father’s Day:

    Happy Father’s Day to the best dad around! P.S. They’re not yours, and yes, they’ve always resembled Uncle Dave for a reason.

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