The Unattainable Resolution

Every year, at about this time of year, people make their resolutions, their ideas for how they will improve their lives. Resolutions often take this form:

1. I resolve to get in shape.

2. I will lose 50 pounds in six months

3. I will run a 10K.

4. I will eat healthier.

These are admirable goals, and I will admit that I’ve made these same resolutions before. But how many of us will actually meet these goals? Not too many, that’s for sure (I didn’t, when I made them. I have lost the 50 pounds, but that’s because my doctors jacked up my stomach when they thought they were fixing it. And it sucks. It really, really sucks)

But I digress.

So this year, I resolve to make completely unattainable resolutions. Why, you might ask. Well, because at least I’m going into it knowing these goals are ridiculous. My goal of losing 50 pounds was a ridiculous goal when I made it, only I didn’t have the self-awareness to know that.

This year, I’m not going into it blind. This year, I know.

In that spirit, here are my unattainable resolutions.

1. I resolve to make out with Nathan Fillion. Why? Because he’s Nathan Fillion, yo. But I want him wearing his Captain Mal outfit from Firefly. Don’t worry, husband will understand. I’m pretty certain he wants to make out with him, too.

2. I will wear a Lady Gaga-esque outfit and sing karaoke. That’s right. I will take my chubby, suburban mom body and shove it into a black leather… something, do up the crazy hair and put on crazy, Dr. Frank N. Furter make-up, and go out singing (and not in a mobster-in-witness-protection kind of way, either).

3. In that spirit, I’m going to need some clear heels. I resolve to  wear them and not fall down. (Yeah, right. That’s why these are unattainable. I’ve been known to trip over a four-inch long stick on the play ground. I’m THAT graceful).

4. I resolve to not be horrifically embarrassed by either the outfit or the stripper shoes. (That’s so ridiculous I just cracked myself up)

5. I resolve to be confident at all times, and never doubt my writing ability. (Huh. I broke that one just now. And, in the immortal words of Britney Spears, oops, I did it again).

So there you have it. Five resolutions that I have no intention of keeping. Well, four I have no intention of keeping, and one I’ve already broken.

Have a great day, y’all!

Leave a comment with your outrageous resolution…



5 thoughts on “The Unattainable Resolution”

  1. The stripper shoes are all yours, M, but my resolution is STRIPPER hair. Long, fake, two-tone extensions that hang past my butt and cost more than admission to the RWA national in Anaheim.

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