“I Think It’s Normal” and Gluttony Broke Up With Me

So, this will be the last update on the health situation, which is, honestly, a pain in the butt, because when I write about it, it still feels like whining. But some people have asked, and it’s just easier to use a super public forum, where everyone can see it, than it is to tell everyone. Because yeah, everyone wants to know, right? I’m super special like that.

So, anyway, the cardiologist said my EKG, “looked funky.” I love it when they’re all technical like that. Overall, he “thinks” it’s normal. Sure, I had cardiac enzymes, but, as he put it, “normal hearts don’t typically do this, but ones that are damaged don’t do this either and don’t look this good. Overall, I think it’s normal.” As for the enzymes, “Well, it’s not entirely abnormal. It’s just not normal.”

A) Uh, what? and B) Doesn’t he know that the  “looked funky” and “I think” parts don’t necessarily inspire confidence? One thing I’ve learned over time, man, is you have to sell the shit out of it. It’s not “I think it’s normal,” it’s “Rock me, Amadeus, this test is so f-ing normal!”

Also, for future reference, the “Oh, no,” and “whoops” during the stress test were not particularly awe-inspiring.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the cardiologist is a nice guy, and frightfully honest. I liked him.

However, at one point, I did actually say, “Oh, no? Really?” I thought they trained doctors better than that. When I worked in the SNF, we had a doctor who said “Neat-o!” to everything that looked interesting.

“Neat-o!” could mean “This patient is in cardiac arrest,or it could mean, “Darn, I just spilled coffee on my tie.” One must admit,  the word neat-o does not inspire fear of death. Neat-o does not say, “Holy shit, what the hell is that?”

It must have rubbed off, because the last time a kid had a seizure in my office, the first word out of my mouth was a really panicked, “NEAT-O!”

And I wonder why no one came running.

As an aside, my own personal doctor, whom I love (I’m not a fan of specialists, but I love my primary), decided today that I have gluten intolerance. So add wheat to the loooong list of things I can’t eat. Eggs. Beef. Gelatin. Fat. And now wheat. (And all of this since the birth of my son, five years ago. I could eat all of this stuff BC–Before Chewey. I also weighed a lot more BC.)

Basically, if that shit tastes good, I can’t have it. Again, decent for the diet plan, bad for my emotional health. As a former fat girl, it’s one thing for food to slowly destroy you. But to do it like this, where I can’t even enjoy my own destruction? So, so unfair. Gluttony is awesome, man. I love Gluttony. We used to be tight.

And now, Gluttony has broken up with me, and I keep begging for him to come back, like some sort of creepy stalker.

So, at this very moment, I’m bidding farewell to my one weakness, Oreos.

Yes, by eating them.

(And yes, I know I’ll feel it later)



6 thoughts on ““I Think It’s Normal” and Gluttony Broke Up With Me”

  1. I’m confused – how can an EKG be “not entirely abnormal” but overall normal? And did the gluten intolerance cause the abnormality?

    One good thing is that there are lots of products in the store now that are gluten-free. Now if they could make oreos without gluten and fat you’d be in Glutton heaven.

    1. You know, Janna, I don’t know.

      My primary was wondering of the enzymes were due to an anaphylactic reaction (Heaven knows I have those, and my reactions are always weird). No one knows why they turned out the way they did.

      I am seeing another cardiologist tomorrow, so I guess we’ll see what he has to say! On the mean time, I’ll probably start another feature on the blog; G-free and allergies! (Has a good ring, right? I think I could sell the heck out of that!)

  2. Please get a second opinion from another cardiologist. I’m with Janna. How can you have cardiac enzymes and a “not entirely abnormal” EKG, and not have it be heart related? But I feel you sister on the gluten-free. I’m a vegetarian already, also on the low-fat, AND I avoid all corn and corn products because they trigger migraines, and now my doc wants me to go gluten-free as well. WTH? phooey I say. This is like 2 hard. So she says, just eat LESS gluten. Okay, I can do that. Less I can do. Cold turkey all out gluten-free, not so much. Good luck, Meggan. You’ve already done so much!

  3. Dude, I might die if I had to give up corn–that’s the only thing keeping me sane now!

    I don’t know if I’m feeling the cookies from last night, but Wowzers, I feel like the shizz. I keep looking at the clock and wondering if I should go home sick…Or tough it out until the end of the day.

    Right now, I still eat fish and shellfish, but I don’t really do chicken, pork makes me sick, and no beef or buffalo. Obviously no eggs. I have a feeling my diet is going to be outrageously healthy. Hopefully, being gluten free plus the new meds will make me feel better.

    (Sadly, I’ve done The Zone before, where you really restrict wheat and corn, I felt tons better, but fell off the wagon because it was too hard. I suspect it’s the gluten. I’ve probably needed up give it up years ago. But then, what to have for breakfast? Oh wait. I don’t eat breakfast.)

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