Tag Archives: stripper shoes

The Unattainable Resolution


Every year, at about this time of year, people make their resolutions, their ideas for how they will improve their lives. Resolutions often take this form:

1. I resolve to get in shape.

2. I will lose 50 pounds in six months

3. I will run a 10K.

4. I will eat healthier.

These are admirable goals, and I will admit that I’ve made these same resolutions before. But how many of us will actually meet these goals? Not too many, that’s for sure (I didn’t, when I made them. I have lost the 50 pounds, but that’s because my doctors jacked up my stomach when they thought they were fixing it. And it sucks. It really, really sucks)

But I digress.

So this year, I resolve to make completely unattainable resolutions. Why, you might ask. Well, because at least I’m going into it knowing these goals are ridiculous. My goal of losing 50 pounds was a ridiculous goal when I made it, only I didn’t have the self-awareness to know that.

This year, I’m not going into it blind. This year, I know.

In that spirit, here are my unattainable resolutions.

1. I resolve to make out with Nathan Fillion. Why? Because he’s Nathan Fillion, yo. But I want him wearing his Captain Mal outfit from Firefly. Don’t worry, husband will understand. I’m pretty certain he wants to make out with him, too.

2. I will wear a Lady Gaga-esque outfit and sing karaoke. That’s right. I will take my chubby, suburban mom body and shove it into a black leather… something, do up the crazy hair and put on crazy, Dr. Frank N. Furter make-up, and go out singing (and not in a mobster-in-witness-protection kind of way, either).

3. In that spirit, I’m going to need some clear heels. I resolve to  wear them and not fall down. (Yeah, right. That’s why these are unattainable. I’ve been known to trip over a four-inch long stick on the play ground. I’m THAT graceful).

4. I resolve to not be horrifically embarrassed by either the outfit or the stripper shoes. (That’s so ridiculous I just cracked myself up)

5. I resolve to be confident at all times, and never doubt my writing ability. (Huh. I broke that one just now. And, in the immortal words of Britney Spears, oops, I did it again).

So there you have it. Five resolutions that I have no intention of keeping. Well, four I have no intention of keeping, and one I’ve already broken.

Have a great day, y’all!

Leave a comment with your outrageous resolution…

 

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